To some, the word “boundary” seems harsh; for others, it clarifies something and serves as a clue towards peace and balance. That’s because of one thing: perspective. Somewhere along the way, for a lot of us, our perspective of what a boundary is changed to carry negative connotations, and that is why it’s often difficult for us to set personal boundaries.
But what if we shift that perspective and explore personal boundaries as something positive? Think of them as self-preservation techniques … guidelines not just on how you want to be treated and how to treat others, but also on how to preserve and maintain your energy so you can be your best self, and so can everyone around you as well. Boundaries keep us safe, help us focus on what’s important to us, and improve relationships by creating clear expectations and responsibilities. They’re an essential part of self-care and self-respect, and of maintaining healthy relationships.
Personal boundaries are physical, emotional, and mental limits that help protect you from being manipulated or violated, like privacy, personal space, self-care (i.e., giving your body what it needs instead of putting it on the back burner), etc. They also include financial, social, and sexual boundaries. If you aren’t sure what your boundaries are, take some time to think about your wants and needs from yourself and others, and identify what makes you feel balanced and comfortable.
For example, if you’re feeling stressed and exhausted all the time, this is your body talking to you. It’s wearing thin, and it has hit a mental, physical, or emotional boundary—sometimes, all three. It’s essentially screaming at you to refuel, so pencil in some ME TIME and give your mind and body time to recharge. This can be anything from unplugging from technology, getting extra sleep, soaking in a hot bath—whatever you need.
Allow yourself two weekends a month to fulfill requested favors and go to invited activities like kids’ birthday parties, family get-togethers, social outings, etc. If your body is screaming at you that it just doesn’t have the energy to do whatever is facing you, honor and respect yourself by giving your Self what it needs. And if you’re faced with having to decline, do so politely but stand firm in your boundary.
If you’re dealing with financial pressures, enforce a boundary for yourself by setting a regular budget on recurring extras and commitments, such as $10-15 for kid birthday gifts, $20-25 for adult gifts, etc. Only you know what your budget allows, so get cozy and familiar with it and battle that pressure down to a simmer.
When setting boundaries, look at healthy ways that work to help you feel free and that serves as a kindness to yourself and others, not creating guilt. Guilty is the last thing anyone should feel for trying to preserve their Self or relationships, so let’s replace that with something positive: acceptance.
Accept that you—like everyone else—deserve to have boundaries and enforce them. Accept that IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO to others! Does this mean that you can’t meet someone elses boundaries or needs? No, it simply means that you can’t feed into others what you yourself don’t have. If you’re allowing others to do the same and are respecting their boundaries, they should have no problem doing the same for you. After all, you don’t have to be abrupt or rude when stating what you need, and you don’t have to be stressed and forceful when enforcing it. Setting boundaries will often lead to others feeling comfortable setting new boundaries as well, so be prepared and respectful of that. Mutual respect leads to better relationships, instead of unhealthy expectations.
Boundaries are how we come to know ourselves and others and provide what is needed to function happily and healthily. So, be cool, be calm, be aware, be honest, and be kind.
